3 secrets to be truly proud of yourself, without anyone’s validation.
From Different to Unique
In COVID times, everyone was required to wear a face mask, but I had worn an invisible mask for many years of my life. It was the mask of trying to be someone who I was not.
My mom was a Hindu and my father a Catholic, and the reason they got married was my mom’s love for Christ and his teachings. Even though our family was Catholic, I was raised with secular values to respect every religion. However, I always thought I was different, as I was never a perfect fit anywhere. My mannerisms were a unique blend of the Hindu and Catholic way of living. Even though, I was proud of my integrated heritage, I was constantly trying my best to be a part of distinct groups (of relatives or friends) who were either singularly Hindu or Catholic and did not have a fair understanding of the other set. Each group had members who were critical of the differences that existed, and no discussions ever celebrated commonalities between the two.
Growing up, I was confused and I hated my parents for a while not because of them, but because of what their marraige was putting me through. I sincerely did not know whether being a Hindu was the right path or being a Catholic was the only way to live. Even though after long years of soul searching, I realised that I could be a Catholic and yet appreciate and celebrate the commonalities of the two religions. However growing up with this mental debate and listening to strong opinions of people affected me in other areas too. The prominent outcome of this conditioning was that, I always found myself trying not to be the leader but a follower, not to be the one who started a discussion but the one who endorsed views, even though I hated myself for I had no voice, and it compromised my interests and inhibited my desires.
I always wanted to be part of a group, accepted, never the outsider. I never ever considered being an outlier, for there was a risk of being different and if it failed, I could become an outcast. Gradually, I became a person who always needed validation from people around. I had only a few friends, for most people I considered friends were good people, but people who hung around with me, only because I endorsed their views, or at least I was highly accepting of them.
I had accepted this way of living till social media boomed. While using social media, I saw a pattern of behaviour from many acquaintances. This pattern was similar to mine. Many things that they posted did not resonate with them, in fact privately, many had a 180 degree view to what they posted on social media. They just posted the content so that they could be accepted better by their digital followers and friends. This made me happier as I realised that I was not the only one who was doing this, but more importantly it also questioned my behaviour.
As I introspected my vulnerability, I needed time off from fake friends and I consciously decided to unfollow and unfriend everything and everyone that didn’t resonate with my true self, and yes it set me free. It made me free from the heavy yoke of constantly wearing the mask of being someone who I was not. In every interaction, I focussed on being myself and started sharing my true feelings in a polite way. This made people uncomfortable and made me lose a few friends, but also gave me the opportunity to connect and make truer friendships. The best thing was that I could reconnect with my parents and siblings, who unconditionally loved me for who I was.
The trap:
Many of us fall into the trap of people pleasing. It is natural for us to aspire it to enjoy the security and the perks of being a part of a group, but when it is bought at the cost of compromising your values, it needs to be questioned? Is it really worth sacrificing your true self? For you are unique, not different. You are born in this age and in this geography to achieve something no one else can, for your uniqueness is the concoction of your traits, tenets and your understanding of life in general. You have a role to play in this world, only that you haven’t found it yet.
The trap breaker:
If you find yourself overwhelmed at being left out or having an intense desire to validate your actions, leverage these 3 timeless principles that I did to relive the stress and focus on being who you are:
Principle 1: No one truly understands you completely:
From my experience and if you too observe carefully, there is no one person who can relate with you completely. Some understand us better than others, but no one completely. Avoid falling in the trap of making people to like you. It is absolutely okay if no one understands you in certain situations. Don’t try to mould your thoughts to be acceptable to others. For some, you will be never be good enough. So, focus your energies in doing what you feel is right and if it succeeds, great, if it does not, then it is a learning process.
Principle 2: Most content on social media is curated:
Most content posted on social media is curated, or it is only partially true. Most people hide their vulnerabilities behind an invisible mask, trying to seek attention and validation. Don’t compare yourself with the lives of people you see on social media. Try to research more on your interests, validate your hypothesis by purposeful action and become slightly better each day. You will be in bliss in the pursuit of your purpose.
Principle 3: Become a dog parent:
Dogs are man’s best friend and having dogs around you gives you great shots of positivity. Most importantly, whether you are a CEO, or the junior most in your organization, whether you had a wonderful day or you made blunders, you will be loved unconditionally no matter what. Dogs only know one way and that is to love their human parents more than themselves. Especially, dogs come in all sizes and are available almost everywhere, adopt a puppy and realize that you can be yourself and you will still receive unconditional love, no matter what.
These principles have been a compass for me to find myself and not to seek constant validation. Why don’t you try it and see for yourself, I promise it will not hurt but make the yoke lighter.
